therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
😍😂🥰😂😍
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.