2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
This a good idea
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
me and who
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails