Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Seas the day!!!!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Vodka burrito was a success
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!