A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Mood.. 😂
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.