[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip