God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Coffee is ready.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
December birthdays be like…
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds