5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?