I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.