Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Morning my dudes.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.