I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Meat Cute
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.