*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh