Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
You Might Also Like
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume