If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
LA today:
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
The Others (2001)
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight