Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.