I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
why would tinder want me to say this
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!