HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.