How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
when there are deer in the woods
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.