SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.