Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?