I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I found your tweet-up…
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
The Birdles
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?