Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.