wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.