Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice