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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.