I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
me refusing to leave twitter
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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