to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”