“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’