Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”