as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
🤣🤣🤣
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date