Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.