A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.