DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms