Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Big Sex has us all fooled
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My neck my back my allergy attack
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
You can’t outrun your problems…
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
But that’s none of my business
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet