Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT