Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath