The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again