Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Sign at work today
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it