boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.