Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am