We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
the battle rages on
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.