[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.