[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr