Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..