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A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.