I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
How is it still this week?