I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
handsome & gretel
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.