Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
peak technology
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done