My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
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Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
this article brought to you by lions
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size