if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*