In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys